Jokes & Fun  

Original Comic Material   
by  Chawly   

(When I say I'm self-employed, don't be impressed.  It might just mean that I'm independently impoverished.)

WELCOME from St. Louis County!

NOTE:  This site is rated for general audiences.

 
 

Is that used car you are thinking of buying a lemon? If you see any of these signs, it probably is... Are the wheels leaning? Do you have to roll down the window before you can reach the door handle? Is the back of the car painted black to disguise the soot from the exhaust? Are the body panels all different colors? Are the only two tires on it that match bald limited-use spares? Are the exhaust pipes spliced together with beer cans and coat hangers? Does the window ledge and roof edge show signs of damage from the "Jaws of Life?" Does the hood not close completely because an over-size, junk-yard battery is tied down under it with the engine's missing spark plug wire? Can you find more than five beer bottle caps under the hood? Is there more oil on the outside of the engine than in your friendly fast-food franchise's French fryer? Does the car's regular-gas engine knock louder than a diesel truck engine? Do the bolts that are not broken off of the engine look like rivets? When you get in the car, do your feet trip over wires to reach the pedals. Are there wood boards under the floor mats? Are there more than three tow receipts in the glove box? Is the gear-shift lever a ViseGrip pliers? Are there blood stains on the headliner? (I really bought a car with this!) Is there more than one fire hole in the dashboard? And lastly, do you find dried river mud under the headrests?

 
 
 

What does WWW stand for? Wall of Waffled Windows Wander Without Wheels Where to Waste your Wallet Welcome to Willie's World World War Whatever Warehouse of Wicked Women

 
 
 

If at first you don't succeed, maybe you should have ignored your friend. type your password again. hold the flush lever down while you count to ten. find a lonelier girlfriend.  (or boyfriend, if you prefer)

 
 
 

A rose, by any other name, would still have thorns. would still have a scarlet reputation. would still have underground ties.

PHILOSOPHIES Don't cry over spilled milk, cry over spilled paint. If it wasn't for ignorance, there'd be no wishful thinking. Experience is a great teacher, but stupidity is the best! Bicyclist who wears helmet may save head, but can still loose tail when falling off back of seat.

 
 
 

SHALLOW THOUGHTS

A little pain doesn't hurt. Did you ever notice how mockingbirds are sounding a lot more like car alarms? Guaranteed healthy, weight-loss diet:  Don't eat anything that tastes good. Did you ever notice how your right armpit smells different than your left? If a man traveled into a desert where he could see no other people, would he still hear the unenlightened gender calling him wrong?

 
 
 

THE SIT-DOWN COMEDIAN An old friend told me that his daughter had a new friend who played in a band.  He said he didn't know if he should be worried, because he couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl.  I said, "Well, first you have to realize that there are three sexes now:  man, woman, and musician." Now, people can be amorous with people they meet on-line, and not have to worry.  That is until they make laws to punish statutory chat. Smokers are now being punished because it's believed that smoking causes cancer.  These new laws were made even though it's been shown that smoking can actually reduce the spread of body cancer on the backs of old pick-up trucks. My ten year old daughter asked me if she could have a computer for Christmas.  I said, "You probably don't know what software is, do you?"  She excitedly replied, "OOOOOOH, TEDDY BEARS!" That one really happened, and so did this.  My friend went into an auto parts store to price shock absorbers for his car.  The counter man said, "Well, the shocks are $17.95 each, but I don't know about the absorbers."

 
 

Rim:  Hey Ruff, you're looking kind of stiff and rusty. Did you fall down and land on your head? Rufus:  I'm as sharp as a tack, you bald, eccentric air bag! Rim:  Aren't you stuck-up today! Rufus:  Can't take the pressure, huh.  I don't mean to burst your bubble, but you're not such a big wheel.  Looks like you've been hitting the skids lately. Rim:  Well, last night I picked up your sister, Sixy Penny, or is that Sexy Pinny?  Anyway, she hooked onto me and really made me squeal! Rufus:  I think you've lost your bearings.  She wouldn't let you get a toe-in the door! Rim:  She's not very bright, ya know.  Kind of common, I'd say.  You should send her to finishing school.  She almost blew my cover, so I threw her back in the gutter where I found her.  I can't get stuck on any heavy-metal types like her, anyway. Rufus:  You're really low, by any gauge.  You're not balanced.  I bet you can't even track a straight line!  And you smell like you ran into some dead meat!  Did some cat use you for a toilet?  Oh, now I see your white stripe. Rim:  Give me a brake!  I can really get you bent out of shape, can't I. Rufus:  If you tread on me, I'll stick you, knock the wind out of you and lay you flat! Rim:  Tap-tap-tap!  I can almost hear the sound of your head tapping on the pavement.  I may just have to give you a shiner, chew you up, spit you out, and spring a leak all over you.  I can be patched up, but you can bet you'll never find your home in the wood. Rufus:  Oh yeah!  Well, some day soon you'll make a nice home for the mosquitoes, while your swinging from a tree by your own steel cord. Rim:  I gotta roll along.  I'm getting tired of this conversation.  I must have missed the point. Rufus:  I'll catch ya later, Rim.

 
 

BUMPER STICKERS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN

	RULE OF THE ROAD
	When two vehicles approach an unmarked intersection at the same time, the right-of-way belongs to:   the adolescent punk. the driver of the car with the most dents. the pick-up driver with the shotgun in the rear window. the cement truck driver. the luxury SUV driver with     a cigarette held out the window,     a cell-phone held to his ear,     and his eyes on the blond female pedestrian.

 
 
 

A POEM AS YOU ROAM

As you travel the Net Superhighway, Your next stop may be the Twilight Zone. And whether it's morn, or the end of the day, When on-line, you're never alone. But, before pushing mouse, and surfing away, Think of Dorothy's clicking heels, I say. 'Cause whether you're normal, or a human clone, We all know, "There's no place like home."

 
 

All of the contents of this page were created by Charles P. Wolters. If you have any comments or questions concerning this site, you may contact me: CPWolters@aol.com               The following serves as copyright protection.  This page was first uploaded on the Web on 6-Jun-98.  The first eight bumper stickers were added on 23-Aug-98.  The "flush lever" line, and the bottom three bumper stickers were added on 18-Dec-98.  Pun Road was added on 21-Mar-99.  The third philosophy was added on 9-APR-99.  The fourth philosophy, RULE OF THE ROAD, and SHALLOW THOUGHTS were added on 17-SEP-99.  The last two paragraphs under THE SIT-DOWN COMEDIAN were added on 31-Dec-99.  The "lemon" bit was added on 15-Feb-00.